Tantrums- An opportunity for healing :)

Posted on June 18, 2011 by Najla

So, your child is angry, realllllllllllllllllllllllly angry. The anger is relentless, it starts to affect you. You start to feel angry yourself…………..Ahhhhhhhhhhhh….

I was talking to a client the other day about tantrums and just how amazing they can be. As Tantrums can provide us an opportunity to heal some repressed and unresolved feelings. I can almost hear some of you say “what!”

Try this for a moment. Just imagine, your having a big tantrum and someone is there with you, really there with you, really present. Accepting your ugly feelings (so we tell ourselves anyway), not wanting to change them, just accepting them? Imagine that for one moment? You still may have your tantrum  and you still may feel upset, but a space around the anger opens up. Right? Something powerful happens- Healing and validation :)

So, imagine being a toddler/child,  who is just accepted just as they are. Imagine being a toddler having a tantrum and told that you are ok,  that you are doing really well feeling these feelings, that you are understand  etc…… This will open up a space of healing for them. Sitting with them whilst they “feel” those tough feelings, will inevitably pay off. They will calm down soon enough and become more aware. I have on a few occasions, allowed my son to scream for half an hour, whilst I sat with him, whilst I held him  (that is-if he wants to be held as sometimes he does not want that), look him in the eyes and tell him I am really there for him. The healing is so profound.  The Aware Parenting Insitute discuss this method here comfort.htm.  Sometimes, we just need to feel those feelings to the fullest extent so that we open up that beautiful space inside us called love.

It is important to understand our schema’s when it comes to interpreting our children’s behaviors. For instance, is our child upset because they are spiteful or disobedient? Or is it because they have had a busy day, or maybe simply because they missed mummy?

It is important to understand that a lot of these issues are developmentally normal.

It is also important to note that, allowing a child to feel their feelings, does not mean we give in to their demands. It is also critical to pick our battles too.

It is also very important to find a way to nurture yourself. Even 5 minutes or so; as we need to fill our cups. As, when we are really low ourselves in energy, we start to interpret everything through the lens of tiredness, anxiety, depression, anger, and resentment. So whatever we are feeling, just be aware of it, so that you are mindful on how it is influencing the way you interpret everyday events.

Please note, that there are healthy ways to manage toddler tantrums. Go here to see how Default.aspx?PageID=1276804&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2403689&ObjectID=1276804&ObjectType=1

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Fear- Do not give it a leg to stand on!

Posted on June 15, 2011 by Najla

Fear can be crippling. It may create unnecessary anxiety and pain. It can affect different areas of our life. It is incredibly powerful to know that when we “believe” in the fear we begin to feed it with thoughts. Then, we want to control the outcome by thinking some more. Then, we end up in a crippled state of anxiety, wondering if something bad is going to happen. Worse, we may wonder if we are going to die. Been there?

Of course there are real threats in life, the key is learning when to just be “aware” of real threats, instead of crippled with fear and anxiety.

When we feel fear, we have a physiological response, where our heart beats faster, our breathing changes, our palms sweat, adrenalin rushes through our bodies and our chest tightens up. These physiological symptoms have played a critical role in the evolution of mankind. It gives us energy. However, when there is no real physical threat, there is no use for such fear. And what is worse, when we experience all those symptoms, it actually feels so real. We convince ourselves that we are surely going to die or something bad is definitely going to happen.

So what do we do when fear is crippling us?

1. Allow yourself to feel without feeding it more thoughts. Do not judge the fear. Just let it be. Breathe. In doing this, you will give some space around the fear/anxiety. You may even surprise yourself and instantly feel better!

2. If you are really struggling with the thoughts, FORCE yourself  to focus on something in your immediate environment. Look at the cracks in the wall, look at the pattern in the carpet whilst taking some deep breaths.

3. If all this fails, talk to someone you trust, to help you process your thoughts. Sometimes, we just have unresolved ambiguities/paradoxes/reservations that hinder our willingness to let go.

4. Sometimes, we are in the midst of grief, and we just need to be more gentle on ourselves and allow whatever we need to feel, whilst observing with a watchful eye and remaining present with it.

If you are the beginning of this healing journey, it is really important you start doing an inventory of your life, with as much rigorous honesty as possible. It is important to learn what our schema’s are and what situations trigger us. Writing is a wonderful way of gaining insight. So, is talking with trusted friends, councilor, mentor etc.

I will never advise against medication as there is certainly a place for them. What I do suggest is if you do choose to go down that path, at least give yourself the opportunity to authentically heal, by using whatever technique you feel will best suit you. I also am not convinced that for the long term, medication is the best option for most people. It is best to look at the underlying cause, whilst readdressing those schema’s/triggers and most importantly bringing yourself back into moment.

Please note: This advice should not be used as a substitute for medical opinion or treatment. If illness or pain are suspected, always consult with a doctor.

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What is your child’s self talk?

Posted on June 14, 2011 by Najla

A few moments ago, I was watching my son playing with his blocks. He was creating a boat. He is two and a half. He was telling himself, fantastic, good effort and well done. I just melted. Let me explain why.

A while ago, I watched a show on Dr Phil, that demonstrated how we speak to our children will invitably lead to the way they speak with themselves. I forgot all about it until I saw this quote from the Positive Parenting Toddlers Page (one of my favorites) on facebook here http://www.facebook.com/pages/Positive-Parenting-Toddlers-and-Beyond/139782679378764

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice ” -Peggy O’Mara.

Dr Phil was dealing with a mother who was exhausted both mentally and physically. She had several children, so when her middle child was mucking up, she resorted to using harsh words, time out and yelling as a means to control her 3 year old daughter. They filmed her family and showed how the whole family interacted. There was a lot of yelling, name calling, shaming and rejection towards this 3 year old girl. Then, they filmed how this little girl was talking to herself. She had just been in a power struggle with her mother and was forced into bed and left there with no comfort whilst she screamed for attention. She settled down and started to mumble words to her self. Like bad girl, naughty girl etc…

The mother was unaware of how her words were being internalized by her daughter. She cried when Dr Phil showed her the footage. She was devastated.

For some us, it is logical to not speak to our children like that. However, for many, who are leading predominantly unconscious lives do subject their children to such taunts without even realizing the very harsh and serious consequences. Dr Phil, did not condemn the mother, as she was clearly struggling to just get by. But what he did do was encourage her to get help with her own childhood wounds.

For any parent who struggle with emotional regulation, the first place to visit is your childhood. Then, look at those voices in your own head and investigate your own self talk. Are you nice to yourself? What do you tell yourself when you make a mistake? What do you tell yourself when you are yelling at your children? Do you justify it?

I have no doubt in my mind that if I did not embark on this journey of healing that I too would be in the same predicament as that mother. It is in all of us, if we are not conscious of the way our childhood schemas affect our everyday thought processes.

The only way we will ever parent differently from our own parents is if we take full responsibility for who we are, our thoughts, our feelings. I almost hate using the word responsibility as it used to rile me up when I was at the beginning of my own healing journey Like, how can I take responsibility for years of hurt that was done to me by others? It is not my fault, it is theirs! Well, years later, it has come to me, that the only true freedom I would ever know is if I take full responsibility for everything that happens. That includes the way we interpret life’s events, the way we feel, the way we talk to ourselves, the way we do everything…. Now of course, that does not mean we will be perfect or free from pain… In fact sometimes pain is compulsory. But suffering is optional. What it does mean is that we will feel so much better about absolutely everything and especially our children.

After years of inner work, I can say with no doubt in my mind that all parents must embark on this journey of healing. It is the only way to be the best parents we can be. It will make you understand your own triggers and help you regulate your own emotions.

Some will say, speak for yourself, not the entire universe. Well, I say, go deep inside and ask yourself if you have perfected your inner journey of healing :) …

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ACTION ALERT! Preventing children escaping from childcare centre’s.

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Najla

It is very rare that I will ask any of you to refer a post of mine to all your friends, family and client database. HOWEVER, this is one that may save a child’s life oneday. Please send this out to every single parent you know of :)

This week a boy escaped a childcare centre. The Sun Herald report “Benjamin Atley slipped unnoticed past supervisors and security doors at Clayton South Childcare Centre about 5pm last Friday and wandered out.

The little boy surprised his father Anthony Milne when he turned up alone at the family home in Milton Road, over 600m from the childcare centre.

His mother Victoria Atley said when she called the childcare centre, staff were unaware he was missing.

The concerned parents were relieved the toddler was not struck by a car and have withdrawn him from the facility.

Children and Early Childhood Development Minister Wendy Lovell said parents should be able to expect their children are well looked after.

“I take every incident that occurs very seriously and I have asked officers from the Department to visit the service today to commence investigations into the alleged incident and the alleged failure to notify,” Ms Lovell said.

WHAT! Exactly. I could not sleep last night thinking about ways this could have happened.  I can even see it MAY not be the centres fault. It may be, it also may not be, as let us face facts, this is NOT the first time it has happened. It is true, as parents we not only expect, but DEMAND our children are cared for appropriately with our trusted daycare providers.

Well, let us not jump the gun and blame the childcare center just yet. Let us think about this a little more. This happened at 5pm, with THREE, yes that is right THREE security gates in place. So, what on earth could have happened? How could a child escape? Was one of the gates faulty? Were the workers not using the eyes on the back of their heads?

I rang the Clayton South Child Care Centre to ask them for their advise on how to prevent this from happening again and understandably, they refused to comment. So, we are left to our own imagination as to how this could have occurred. I was thinking and thinking last night, about the day I had a rude awakening at my own sons daycare. Which I am still very happy with by the way!

We were there one day for a mothers day celebration.  There were so many parents leaving the facility at once. I noticed  that many were not conscious of the door not slamming properly. Many were not waiting for it to close on its own. There were no staff in that room or the front office. I noticed a few parent’s leaving before me, and when I got to my car something inside me clicked. Although I had so much work to do, actually ridiculous amounts of work to do, I could not get myself to leave the place until every parent had left. WHY? Well, not one. Yes, you read that right, NOT one parent closed the door properly.

Then, staff members became curious as to why I was sitting guard. So, I told them. One suggested that I should not worry because they are all in the other room and therefore not one could get passed them. Well, on one level, I do agree, that it is highly unlikely that a child would pass them. HOWEVER, I also know how little children can be so quick. So, it is probably better to ensure the infrastructure is perfect, as human error does occur!

BUT what happens if the infrastructure is perfect? It seems that thus far reports suggest that Clayton South Childcare Centre did adhere to strict safety guidelines?

I could not help but wonder if this child escaped during peak hour because there are so many parents coming to pick up their children, from a long day at work, stressed, eager to get home cook dinner get the older’s kids homework done etc.. So, although, the doors automatically shut, they can take a few seconds to do so. What this means, is that for those few seconds, a child can slip out.

I have made this mistake also. I would sometimes get to my car and think to myself, OMG a kid could have escaped because I  let that door slam on its own. Now, I am miss AWARENESS. I am miss consciousness when it comes to these things and I STILL have to pull myself up!

Let us not run to blame the center straight away. We do not know what has happened. I can say one thing for sure, is that ALL we can do is be more aware of the possible roles we play. All we can do is together as a collective become more mindful to ensure our children’s safety first.

I am sure many of you would never have thought of it this way. Heck, I am miss awareness and I still need to remind myself. I see this in many other parents also, every time I pick up my son. Many are so flustered, need to get to work etc and therefore allow the gates to close on their own. Whilst leaving it exposed for a clever quick little child to escape.

But then, you think, well of course I will not allow a child to run past me? Well, yeah. I agree, but what if there was another person at the front, would you mistakingly believe that child belonged to them?

So, what? You may ask yourself, what are you trying to say?

Well, first of all, these events are rare, however, they do happen even with strict adherence to safety and security requirements (well, so far this seems to be the case with Clayton South). So here are a few suggestions, that we all can all take on board, and spread them to every single parent you know. Please feel free to add any other suggestions to the list so that we can ensure that nothing devastating can happen to our children whilst in the trusted care of our preschools/daycare.

1. Be aware of each time you open a door, that no child is near you and do not rely on it to close on its own. Make sure you close it.

2. Talk to your childcare centre about this incident and kindly suggest that they put a notice on every exit to gently remind parents of this critical issue.

3. Please pass this post to every single parent you know. Email it to your childcare center.

4. Please add any other suggestions to this list as the collective mind is better than mine alone :)

5. Please read this post about one of the worlds most renown psychological phenomena’s. The Bystander Effect! This will help in aiding further understanding on how normal it is that we think like this, but also how we can overcome such issues….http://networkedblogs.com/gb2kB

This is the link to the article above in the Sun Herald. http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/investigation-launched-after-benjamin-atley-escapes-clayton-south-childcare-centre/story-e6frf7jo-1226062827888

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Parents thinking like scientist- Part 4- Science v’s Pseudoscience

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Najla

Science versus Pseudoscience.

Pseudoscience is a system of beliefs that is often presented as science, but lack some of the key components that are essential to scientific research. There is no universal definition of pseudoscience; however the following definitions are generally accepted.

A theory must be testable and refutable. Thus, it must be able to describe what observations would demonstrate that it is wrong. A good science paper will accept findings that refute the theory and look at designing a new hypothesis. Whilst in pseudoscience, will not accept the negative outcome, nor will they alter the original theory. Instead will defend it by claiming something was wrong with the experimenter, or the therapist etc.

  1. Treatment needs to show consistent success that cannot be explained by other variables. In pseudoscience, they may achieve some success, but ignore the failures. They use selected examples.
  2. Science will actively test and challenge current theories and will adapt old theories when new evidence appears. But pseudoscience remains rigid and will not change or grow.. They take new evidence as a form of personal attack.
  3. Scientific theories are grounded in past science. It builds from previous evidence that had solid empirical support. Pseudoscience will create new theory that is not grounded in any previous empirical evidence. They may use scientific jargon, but it does not mean it is science.

There are many circmstances upon which we have all been led to believe that the intervention we use for our children does meet the criteria of good sound scientific validation. I have encountered several.

This is where it is at. This is why we need to understand the scientific process so that we can become empowered in making informed choices for ourselves and our children.

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Parents thinking like scientist-Part 3- Reliability and Validity

Posted on May 4, 2011 by Najla

Validity and reliability of measurement.

These measurement procedures are developed to ensure the quality and any measurement procedures used.

Validity of Measurement.

Validity means that the procedures are actually measuring what they are meant to measure. Researchers have developed ways to measure validity.

Face Validity

This is determined via subjectively looking at the test. Eg- does this iq test look like it test logic, memory etc… But we have also found that too much face validity can create issues as people may adjust their answers because they want present a better self image.

Concurrent Validity

Researchers can use an old established measurement along side with their own new measurement to ensure that they get similar results. If the results are similar we know that they are directly related. So, if the old better pre established procedure has already been accepted as valid, then if scores were similar for the new procedure, than that too will be considered valid. It is important to note that if two sets of measurements are related, that does not mean they are identical.

Consistency of relationship.

People who score high in one measurement, should score high in a another measurement will demonstrate consistency.. People who score low in one measurement should score low in the other measurement. But when someone scores high in one measurement, but low in another measurement, this shows low consistency.

Correlations are used to determine the degree of validity of the procedure. +1.00 and -1.00 means perfect correlation and therefore the measurements are perfectly related. Direction is not an issue at all. If the correlation is close to 0, then there is no relationship and the procedure is not valid.. Thus, correlations are often used to determine the degree of validity of the procedure.

Predictive validity

When the measurement of a construct accurately predicts behaviour according to the theory, then it is considered to have predictive validity.

Construct validity

If our measurement of a variable behave in exactly the same way our variable does, then we have established construct validity.

Convergent and divergent validity

We can create 2 different methods to measure the same variable and when they correlate we have demonstrated convergent validity.

When we create 2 different unrelated methods to measure the same variable and when they do not correlate. We have demonstrated divergent validity.

The goal of divergent validity is that to demonstrate we are measuring one specific construct and not combining two different constructs.

Reliability of measurement

A procedure is considered to be reliable when it produces identical results when it is used repeatedly when measure the same individual under the same conditions.

The reliability of a procedure is the stability and consistency of the measurement.

However, the concept is based on the notion that the variable being measured is constant and stable. Hence, your intelligence does not change that much over time. But the measurement procedure can introduce an element of error.

Measurement= True score+ error

Hence your true score is the actual intelligence and the error are factors like fatigue, noise, health etc. These factors are lumped together as error and are typically part of any measurement. If there is a large error component then the measurements are not reliable.

When scores dramatically change from one trial to another, the measurement is said to be unreliable. Reaction time is a good example of this. But researchers can over come this by taking the average reaction time over several different scores.

There are 3 things that contribute to error-

  1. Observer error- the individual making the measurement can make errors. Eg- using a stop watch too slowly.
  2. Environment changes- The goal is to measure people in identical situations, but this is not possible. We have variables such as time of day, noise, whether, temp and lighting.
  3. Participants changes.- Hence degree of focus etc…hunger….

Types and measures of reliability

As discussed reliability is the consistency between two or more separate measures.  So far we have discussed situations involving successive measurements. But it is also possible to measure reliability for simultaneous measurements.

Successive measurement

We can give the same test to the same group of people and correlate the scores using a t-test. This form of reliability measure is called test-retest

We can also give a group of the same individuals an alternate form of the test. This is called parallel forms of reliability. We then correlate the scores to see if there is consistency

Contracts. For us on 10000 deal between us and starr. Kevin will prepare it. And talking.

People need. We don’t know which group would be most receptive and proactive.

Videos done by when. Cami why is educational important and features on cami and features and benefits…… asap- starr video in 3 weeks- homesellers need to put

Sales team leader.

Marketing resources to bases our script on. ——  1 week will work the chapters on that.

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Parents thinking like scientist- Part 2- Measurement

Posted on April 21, 2011 by Najla

An overview of measurement.

This section is concerned with behavioral sciences.

Researchers are usually interested in how variables are affected by different conditions and how variables are affected by different groups of individuals to another.

Two aspects are important when planning a research design-

1. Often, there is not a one to one relationship between the variable being measured and the measurements obtained.

2. There are usually several different options for measuring any particular variable. The option chosen can influence the measurement and the interpretation of the data.

A concrete example-  a teacher may want to know how much knowledge a student has acquired. But how can a teacher really tell what is in the mind which we cannot actually see? So the teacher may give a test. But then the student may be tired or sick which may affect the result, so there is not a one to one relationship between the variables.  Hence, does he give 10 questions or 100? As, if one gets 78 or 82%, they will both be 8/10 for the little exam. Etc…..

Constructs and operational definitions.

The process of measuring variables can be quite complex, as some variables such as self esteem and motivation are intangible. On the occasion, some variables such as height and weight are easily observe. So we need to go through a complicated process.

Theories and constructs.

Many variables we use are called hypothetical constructs or constructs, because we can’t actually see things such as self esteem. However, we can look at behaviours that may be indicative of self esteem. Theories are statements about the mechanism underlying the behaviours.

Operational Definitions

A construct cannot be directly observed, but we can measure and observe the external factors and behaviours that are associated with the construct.. Thus these are an indirect measure of the construct. We will identify a set of behaviours associated with the construct and the result is used as a definition and a measure of the construct. This method is called operational definition.

Intelligence is a hypothetical construct as we cannot see it, but the IQ test can measure it. Intelligence is considered to influence external behaviours of which we can observe.  We can measure external behaviours consisting of responses to questions.

Limitations of Operational definitions

Yes they are important to convert abstract variables into a concrete entity that can be observed/ We also hope that our definition and external measurements are accurate indicators of this hypothetical construct..

First problem is that we can leave out important components of the construct. Yes behavior is a good way of measuring depression- hence social withdrawal insomnia etc… but there are other factors such as emotions and cognitions. Therefore it is wise to use several different procedures to measure the construct.

Second is that the operational definition can include other components that are not part of the construct being measured. For instance, someone with poor verbal skills may not read the depression questions well. Therefore can’t answer effectively. Also someone may be a very private person and be unwilling to tell just how bad they feel. Hence, therefore someone with good verbals skills and open-minded will score worse on the depression scale.

Using Operational Definitions.

Not all hypothetical constructs need you to create your own operational definition. As this is usually done in past research. You can go to past research. Even when the variable has no operational definition you can still look into past research to see how it was measured. It is actually better to use a good past general measurement, because then it is easier to compare your research to past research. You must keep in mind that any measurement procedure or operational definition is only to help classify the variables. There may be other procedures that could do a better job at measuring and define the variable too.

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Parent’s thinking like Scientist- Part 1- Empiricism

Posted on April 8, 2011 by Najla

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a very important blog post urging parents to learn about the scientific process. This is very important so that you can make better informed decisions for your precious children. I promised to provide you my univeristy notes. I will publish them slowly, so that you do not get too overwhelmed. I will not give you everything, as alot of statistical analysis is invloved and that takes alot of understanding and ALOT explaining. I am still perfecting my own understanding of it. It is certainly possible that most of us can do it, but it means alot for work on your part. Which I am sure, is not your life passion lol. However, the basic scientific process is really simple and easy to understand. In a society that is heavily dependednt on “science proves this and science proves that” etc, we should at least understand the underlying premises invloved. It affects our lives in so many ways.

Here is my article in case you missed it

http://explorenewheights.com/parents-must-understand-how-science-works

Please ask me any questions if I have not explained it well enough. So here goes. Today, we will discuss Empiricim.

Empiricism

Science is empirical. We use observation or direct sensory experience to obtain knowledge. Hence all knowledge is acquired through the senses. We use our senses such as hearing, sight smell and taste to acquire this knowledge.

The practice of employing direct observation as a source of knowledge. It is not always practical as we all experience way too much confidence in our own observations. These observations are often misrepresented by what we have experienced in the past and as such any two people may witness the same thing but see two different things.

Note that observations can be unplanned and casual, whilst at the end of the spectrum it can be quite systematic and purposeful. Of course the later is what is generally an important.

It is also possible to make accurate observations, but then misinterpret what you see. Eg sun rising instead of earth moving.

Finally the empirical method can be time consuming and or dangerous. Eg, you may want to know if mushroom is dangerous, so using the authority method would be wiser. Or sometimes it is better to think it through and use the rational method than to go into trial and error.

The scientific method.

Involves formulating questions and then systematically finding answers to those questions

It is carefully developed system so that new are as accurate as possible.

Next week we will look at basic steps of the scientific method.


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The good By Stander :)

Posted on April 5, 2011 by Najla

After I wrote about the By Stander Effect and the devastation it could cause, I had two positive experiences that day that were certainly out of the blue.

First, my son dropped his water bottle and a by stander picked it up for him.

Second, I struggled with the pram on an esculator that had stopped and this woman instantly stopped to help me.

All in the one day that I had expressed my anger about the phenomena that seems to dictate the way us humans act when faced with this particular social dilemma.

There are some uncaring people in the world, but there are so so so many wonderful people too :)

Here is the post if you had not read it yet.

http://explorenewheights.com/by-standers-read-this-now

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Bad Mother Alert!- Jackie O- You should be ashamed NOT!

Posted on April 3, 2011 by Najla

New South Wales Families Minister Pru Goward claims Jackie O “endangered her baby” by feeding her while crossing the road earlier this week. She told the Sunday Telegrapgh :

“We all were horrified when Michael Jackson dangled his baby out the window and this woman is crossing the road not just holding a baby but feeding a baby and I think it was unnecessarily cavalier. There should be no mother, no parent probably, or even a hardened feminist, in the country who would think that was a good way of feeding a baby, particularly a little tiny baby,”

How bad is it being a new mum feeling vulnerable to the endless judgements from well intentioned people? Now imagine, you are Jackie O in the spot light, scrutinised for a parenting decision that so many of us have had to make. Feed our baby or else!

A baby needs to get fed right?

How many times do you do something for your child thinking it is the right thing to do, then someone comes along and makes some harsh judgement?

It feels bad, doesn’t it.

How many times have you secretly made a mistake, but managed to fix it with no fuss at all?

It feels good doesn’t it!

Well, Jackie O has been devastated by this and reports say that she broke down during her radio show.

Look, let’s face it. Hearing other people’s views that are different to ours is something that can improve the state of our lives. This is why, I always love to hear what others have to say to me.

BUT. There is one critcial factor that this Pru lady missed-

Opinions are healthy. Even ones that are contrary to our own. But judgments are toxic.

So, let us embrace the differences we have. But let’s get real and honest- If you want to suggest a contrary view. Please do so. But, when you do so with harsh judgments and tones, especially about someones else parenting, then your opinion is no longer an opinion. It becomes a toxic judgement!

Not nice Pru. Not nice at all!

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